Right. We need to talk.

My name isn’t important. Apparently, according to Facebook, I’m either “A PYTHON!!! 😍” or “OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?! 😱”

There seems to be no middle ground.

I’ve lived on Coochie longer than many of you. I know the good spots. Warm roofs. Quiet gardens. The occasional compost heap.

And yes, I know where you keep the chooks.

Speaking of which...

🐔 About your chickens

Look, I’m not checking them out for dinner.

I’m simply conducting a routine poultry inspection.

If, during said inspection, a small fluffy item happens to disappear, I can neither confirm nor deny my involvement.

But suddenly there you are, shrieking:

“HE’S BACK!”

Then Craig gets a phone call. Leigh gets a phone call. Croc gets a phone call.

Next thing I know, three humans are discussing my whereabouts while someone else is standing six metres away taking photos of me for Facebook.

Privacy, people. PRIVACY.

🐍 And could you stop assuming we're all pythons?

Honestly.

One snake slides across the road and suddenly twelve people become qualified herpetologists.

“Python.”

“Definitely a tree snake.”

“Nah, eastern brown.”

“My cousin Gary had one exactly like that in 1987.”

Meanwhile, I’m lying in the grass thinking, Gary clearly has a lot to answer for.

Here’s an idea: if you don’t know what sort of snake I am, don’t pick me up to find out.

Actually, even if you do know what sort of snake I am, don’t pick me up.

I don’t wander into your house, grab you around the waist and say, “Look, Marge! I found a human!”

🏡 Yes, sometimes we end up in your house

Usually by accident.

You leave doors open. You have lovely cool floors. Mice occasionally move in without consulting either of us.

Then I appear behind the fridge and suddenly it’s a hostage situation.

There’s screaming. Furniture gets moved. Someone arrives with a broom.

Please put the broom down, Karen.

Give me space, keep children and pets away, and call someone who knows what they’re doing.

🌴 We actually quite like it here

Coochie is home to more than just humans.

We snakes are part of the neighbourhood too. We hunt rodents and other small creatures, we’re part of the food chain, and generally speaking, we’d prefer to avoid you.

Frankly, you’re very large, extremely noisy and have a worrying obsession with whipper snippers.

So if you see me cruising through the garden, there’s no need for panic.

Give me room.

Let me go about my business.

And if I’m somewhere I really shouldn’t be, call Craig, Leigh or Croc.

Just please...

DON’T PUT IT ON FACEBOOK BEFORE I’VE HAD A CHANCE TO DO MY HAIR.

Yours hisscerely,

A Coochie Snake 🐍

P.S. Tell the chooks I said hello.

Editors note: See, my AI buddy DOES have a SoH...when I tell it what to say! 🤣